Fantasy

Sunday morning, and I just woke up.  Sleep is in my eyes; but I have to get up; it’s time for church.  My bed is warm, the house is quite, mom must still be sleep. I rise up, to see my sister is out like a light.  I would love to lay here a little longer, because it’s  cold outside, the leaves have fallen, the wind is whistling and the temperature is low; and I want to beat my sister in the shower.

I am now in the shower, rushing through so I can get out of the way for my sister.  Time is everything because it is Sunday.  After dressing, I make my way to the kitchen to eat some breakfast.  Oh my favorite; “thank you mom”, I say.  Warm syrup over my Blueberry pancakes and that Hickory smoked bacon that I love so much.  7:35am and now mom seems to be in a rush.  In the car and off to church we go.

My sister and I go to Sunday school, meet in the fellowship hall afterwards; to review what was learned.  Regular service starts, we get to give God praise, something me and my sister just love to do.  We are clapping our hands while standing and giving God reverence.  Going to church is awesome because afterwards we go out to dinner, a time where mom allows my sister and I to choose where we will eat each Sunday.

Life is great!  I couldn’t ask for a better family, God had blessed me.

This is the life I wished I had, this is not my reality!  It is actually the total opposite.  I grew up in a household with my mom.  Dad and mom were divorced by the time I was in the 7th grade.  Yes we went to church every Sunday begrudgingly.  We had a four bedroom house, and by the time I was in high school.  It was me, my brother Jay, my sister’s Rie, Lee, and that mean old horrible wicked older sister Nell.

I had many thoughts every day, but the main one was, why was Nell still living at home?  Why won’t she move out?  Why do I have to look at her everyday? I had concluded that God didn’t love me, and I had to be destroyed!  This kind and loving God that I had heard so much about couldn’t possibly love me.  He put me in this family with all these strange evil folks.  God hated me so much that, He gave me a mother who didn’t seem to care any thing about her kids; especially me and Ann.  Don’t forget, there was really 12 kids, from this one woman.  Did she not know how to stop with the child bearing thing?

I said all of this to say, I lived in a state of fantasy!  I imagined having a mom and just one sibling.  In my imagination I had the perfect family.  The love, caring, hugs and kisses; man even concerns about my fears, and my homework.  Well that was just a fantasy, but it kept me from going crazy!  I was a quite child and didn’t bother any one, I kept to myself, because I knew how to entertain myself.  I was at my happiest when I was in that particular state.

Blueberry pancakes, we never had the pleasures of food of that sort.  No going out to dinner, and no choosing what we ate, we ate what mom cooked.  I started the story out like that because I wanted you to see this Fairy Tale story allowed  me to keep my sanity.  We cannot control where we came from, but we can control where we are going.

We can choose which people we associate with, who we date, marry, how many kids we want.  If we are going to go to college or not.  After I grew up, I decided I wanted to marry someone outside my race, one who was educated, and he had to be at least ten years older than myself.  God gave me just what I wanted; it took me many years to figure out God had giving me what I asked for.

After counseling, mentoring from some elderly women I had the pleasure of knowing, and absorbing the love and knowledge that they so freely shared with me.  I became a much better person, more rounded person.  I begin to grow spiritually, and could do away with day dreaming, or living in a state of fantasy.  But that was only after I realized that GOD did love me after all.

BE ENCOURAGED: Life is complicated, we cannot control every aspect of our lives; especially when we are minors.  As adults we are able to make better choices for ourselves.  We don’t have to settle for less than because, We are the head, and not the tail.  We are above, and not beneath.  We deserve better!

 

 

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